Through Space and Time
by harrypotterfangirl23
Summary: "He's with the girl of his desire, he has his powers back and he is worshiped by a city full of people; he has achieved things beyond his wildest dreams. And yet…..the lingering pain of what Hunter Zoloman stole from them will never heal" In the event of a devastating tragedy, Barry and the team must come to terms with what they lost. But how do you make peace with a ghost? SB & WA
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: Hi guys! This is my very first fanfiction. I've been reading them forever and I've been inspired before but The Flash got me really ready to write a full on (short) story! I'm new at this so be gentle. So fair warning, I ship both SnowBarry and WestAllen. Something happens in the first paragraph of the story that will make SnowBarry shippers run but trust me when I say that this story was inspired by them specifically and will not disappoint! They are both included in this story in a way I hope makes sense. I love all the characters in this show and hopefully I do justice to them. I have a clear direction with where I want this story to go and it's probably going to only be a few chapters long. For the sake of my story, Zoom never killed Henry Allen. Hopefully you guys enjoy it! Excuse any grammar mistakes, I tried to go over it but I don't have a beta. There is another author's note in the end that will explain something's in the story!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Flash or anything associated with it. It belongs to DC and the CW.**

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

Barry looked around the familiar settings of Star Labs, filled with the people he loved, and thinks that he should be content with his surroundings. Joe was at the station while Harry, Henry, Wally, Cisco, Iris and Jessie were all lazing around after putting a stop to _Razor,_ a meta-human who was going around "shaving peoples heads off" as he liked to put it. All in all it was a pretty standard day in the office. Yet, the distinct absence of the woman, the friend that he had failed still lingers on every surface of the building. Six months ago, with the help of Cisco, Harry, Joe, Henry, Jesse and his beloved Iris, Barry was able to finally defeat zoom. As the time wraiths floated him away, Barry and the team made it their first priority to go and retrieve the friend of theirs that Zoom fancied himself in love with. Barry grabbed Cisco and flashed them over to the CCPD where they knew Zoom was holding her and before Barry could even process the scene before him, Cisco was screaming in agony, huddled around the lifeless body of one Dr. Caitlin Snow. The details of her death are still a blur to him; Henry said something about Zoom killing her even before he met with them for the final showdown, stating she'd been dead for at least a day. They won the war, that was for sure, but her death was a reminder of all the battles in between that they lost because of their mistakes.

Barry knows he shouldn't blame himself, but he can't help but think that Caitlin was only there with Zoom in the first place because of him. She begged Zoom for his life, pleaded with the man who betrayed her so greatly on his behalf and what did she get in return? She was kidnapped, held in captivity and paid the ultimate price. She counted on him to save her, and he failed to do so.

 _'I should have saved her'_ thought Barry, _'Some hero I am, I can't even save the people closest to me.'_

Barry looked over at Cisco who was fiddling with a device he was working on for team Arrow. Oliver had requested new super-sonic arrows (in memory of Laurel aka the Black Canary) and Cisco was more than happy to oblige who he called the "OG superhero." Even if Cisco didn't want to do it, Barry knows he would have anyways. Cisco overloads himself with work now-a-days, delving into any and all distractions life throws his way, the memory of Caitlin haunting him worst of all. Caitlin was Cisco's best friend, she was the person who understood him most, the one who never judged him, always believed in him and the one who accepted him with all his quirks when his own family couldn't even be bothered to call him. He won't talk to anyone about it, about her, not even to Barry. Iris told him that one day while Barry was about to go fight yet another meta terrorizing the city, she went to the med bay to prepare the medical supplies in case things went south. Apparently Cisco saw her and yelled so loud that Joe had to intervene for fear of Cisco acting out.

"He told me not to touch _her_ things," Iris had told him after the mission. Barry felt guilty for agreeing with him.

Barry didn't know how to help his friend move past this, he didn't know how _he_ was supposed to move past this. These past six months shouldn't have been real. He's with the girl of his dreams, he has his powers back and he is worshiped by a city full of people; he has achieved things beyond his wildest dreams. And yet…..the lingering pain of what Hunter Zoloman stole from them will never heal.

"Hey there handsome," Iris' melodic voice broke Barry from his musings, "you were great out there. What's got you so worked up?"

"Nothing," replied Barry as he leaned down to press a sweet kiss to her lips, "just thinking about Oliver and Felicity's wedding. I can't believe they're getting married. Well, I mean I can believe it, on account of 'true love' and all, but still. It's about time Oliver got his head out of his a-"

"Barry, you're rambling!" Iris cuts him off. "It is great that they're getting married. It'll do us good to have something to celebrate for once. But I know you Barry, you weren't thinking about them. You know you can talk to me right?"

Iris grabbed Barry's hand, and as he looked into her eyes he saw nothing but concern and understanding. God he loved her.

"I was thinking about Caitlin." Barry let out, barely above a whisper.

Iris' brown eyes filled with sadness. Barry knows Iris wasn't as close to her as he and Cisco were, but she was able to forge a friendship with her through their talks in Star Labs. She felt the pain of Caitlin's loss as much as any of them.

"I miss her too. If I miss her this much, I can't imagine how you must feel, how _Cisco_ must feel."

Barry has tried not to let on to Iris how much he felt responsible for Caitlin's death. She would sugar coat everything, make him look at it from different angles, but Barry wasn't ready to let go of that guilt yet. Looking at her now though, seeing her expressive eyes combined with her earlier words, he can't help but finally letting out his frustrations.

"It's my fault. I didn't save her. I should have done everything in my power to get the speed force back as soon as he took her and I didn't! I just sat around; too scared to do anything and by the time I did, it was too late! She was counting on _me,_ Zoom took her because she wanted to save _me,_ and when it was my turn to return the favor, what happened? I _failed_ her. She died because I couldn't protect her, because I failed at the one thing that I always promised myself I would do as soon as I got my powers. I couldn't protect her, and now she's dead because of _me_!"

There was a clatter and a growl, Barry looked up to see Cisco standing and glaring daggers at him, all his tools on the floor surrounding him. He was shaking from head to toe. He took a step towards Barry.

"Ramon! Take it easy, you don't want to get into a mess you can't clean up" Harry intervened before it could go any further.

Cisco looked towards Harry, glanced back at Barry looking as if he were pained, and bolted out of the room. Barry didn't realize that as he was talking to Iris about Caitlin, his voice got louder and louder until he drew the attention of the other occupants in the room. He's not sure what got Cisco so mad exactly, Barry being to blame for Caitlin's death, or him bringing up Caitlin at all. Harry, Jessie, Wally and his dad were all staring at him with expressions mixed with sadness, concern and confusion.

"I'll go see if he's okay." Jessie stated breaking the silence that fell over them all.

Cisco had become somewhat of a mentor to Jessie, seeing her as his protégée and they became close over that past few months (though Barry suspects that her medical knowledge reminds him a lot of Caitlin and that's why he keeps he close). She was yet another project Cisco chose to distract himself with. As Jessie left the room, Harry and Wally went to the training room to test Wally's speed and to not so subtly give Iris and Barry some privacy. Henry came over and gave Barry a firm pat on the back; he and Joe having had multiple conversations with his son about this already, he decided to let Iris take this round.

"I'm going to go on over and see Tina, she's really excited to be rebuilding Mercury Labs and she said she wanted my opinion on a couple of things regarding the medical wing. Call me if you need anything." And with that, Iris and Barry were left alone.

He hadn't looked at her since his outburst. Barry wasn't sure how to face her; he hadn't meant to let that much out.

"Barry, look at me."

Barry lifted his eyes and landed them on her, only to see her beautiful face shadowed in heart break, her eyes spilling over tears. He quickly lifted his hand to wipe them away but she caught it mid-way and rested it against her cheek.

"Bartholomew Henry Allen, you listen to me and you listen to me good. What happened to Caitlin was a tragedy. It's devastating and heart-breaking and unfair on so many levels. She deserved so much more than what the universe gave her. But her death is not your fault! It is NOT our fault. The only one to blame is Hunter Zoloman. He was a psychopath who lived off of death and destruction. He was obsessed with her. He was crazy, and a monster and he is the _only_ person responsible for her death, do you understand?" the brunette did not give Barry a chance to argue as she continued in a whisper, "You can't do this to yourself Barry. You can't let yourself drown in this guilt, it's going to consume you. She wouldn't want that for you."

"Well we don't know what she would want, do we? She's not around to let us know!" Barry pulled away from her as he felt his anger taking over, his failure consuming him and his thirst for revenge bubbling to the surface. "He got off too easy. I should have killed him myself."

"You don't mean that Barry, you're not a killer!"

"Oh really, then what am I? A _hero_?" Barry scoffed, "Tell that to Caitlin's corpse."

Iris didn't know what to do; she'd never seen this kind of rage in Barry before. She wasn't scared of him, Barry would never hurt her, but she was incredibly scared _for_ him. She didn't want him to do anything drastic. He has been known to make impulsive decisions in the heat of the moment, like going back to save his mother the previous year. That caused devastating consequences for everyone involved. ' _Going back in time will do more harm than good. I hope he realizes that now at least.'_ Iris thought to herself. Hopefully she doesn't have to worry about him doing that to change things for Caitlin. If their experience with time travel had taught them anything, it was that death was a fixed point in time and changing it could mean catastrophe. She quickly turned her attention back to Barry.

"Barry, I don't know what to say to you to make you believe me. So I'm going to ask you, what do you think Caitlin would say to you right now? I know she's not here to tell us, I know she's a _corpse_ , but I have to believe that she's still with us. Like Eddie, like your mom, Caitlin is still with us in our hearts and she always will be. So what would she say about this thirst for revenge you have?"

"She'd say you're an idiot." Barry and Iris snapped their head towards the direction of the voice. It was Cisco, his eyes were red and puffy while his right hand had a bandage around it. They were shocked, this was the first time Cisco willingly mentioned Caitlin in a conversation. "Well, she wouldn't say it with those exact words, she'd type out a detailed analysis of all the reasons you _are_ an idiot, make you a laminated copy and proceed to lecture you about it for days on end until she was sure that all the reasons you shouldn't be thinking the way you are thinking were stuck in your head. But she'd never call you an idiot to your face."

Cisco walked over towards the computers, the one on the right. Caitlin's. No one had used it since she died. He grazed his good hand over the keyboard.

"Do you know that I don't remember when I last talked to her? I mean, I assume it was before he took her. Maybe it was around Christmas of last year. Or maybe around the time that that bastard Jay, or who we thought was Jay, died. But I don't know. It's all jumbled up in my brain, bits of a conversation here, moments of us laughing there, but nothing concrete. I even tried vibe her. She's just gone. And there's nothing I can remember, nothing for me to hold onto, of the months before her death. I ask myself why? _Why?_ Was I so caught up in my own world that I couldn't take break to talk to her for even a minute? What I wouldn't give for a minute right now."

By this time Cisco had sat down in front of her computer, looking at its monitor blankly. Iris grabbed the chair beside him while Barry chose to stand in front of them. Cisco looked up at Barry then.

"I blame myself too. I don't know how to stop. I know she wouldn't want me too, I know she'd call me an _idiot_ ," Cisco let out a humorless laugh at that, "but I can't help but feel like I failed her. I let that monster take her, and now she's gone. And I have no idea how to live with that."

It was astounding to Barry that in all the time he put into thinking about what exactly about Caitlin's death caused Cisco to be so closed off, he never thought that it would be because of this. Cisco thinks he failed her too. He hated seeing his friend, who was always filled with so much optimism, so sad.

"Cisco, Cait knew that you loved her, you guys were best friends. We all had a lot on our plates back then. Casual conversations were hard to come by." Barry tried to reassure him. As much as he finds himself at fault for the things that transpired, he wasn't going to let Cisco blame himself in anyway. Caitlin would never forgive Barry if he let Cisco keep on thinking this way.

Iris grabbed Cisco's hand in one had hand, and Barry's with the other. "It isn't your fault. The two of you are not responsible for her death, and I'm going to keep saying it until I get it through your thick skulls! We'll get passed this together, like she would have wanted us to. We move forward together."

"Yes, but how? How do we do that?" Barry asked her, almost desperately, his own anguish resurfacing while tears were running down his face. "How do we even start? It's been six months and we still don't know how to move past this. How do we make peace with a ghost? I can stop feeling like I failed her and I don't know how to change that."

"I don't know, but we will. We always find a way. " stated Iris, looking at both of these men that she cared so much for, trying not to show on her face how disheartened she actually was.

' _Oh Caitlin, I wish you were here. I have a feeling that you're the only one who could possibly get through to them now,'_ Iris thought as she was exiting Stat Labs 10 minutes later leaving Barry to help train Wally and Cisco to his gadgets. _"God I hate Zoom."_

* * *

 **Okay so what did you think?! Caitlin is my favorite character on the show and I feel that she is greatly under appreciated. So I had to kill her off. What's that saying, "You don't know what you have until you lose it?" I just feel that they could be doing so much more with her. But worry not, I promised SnowBarry and WestAllen. I will deliver. Caitlin will make an appearance in this stroy, I promise. The question is, how? Also, when Iris is referring to Barry going back in time, she's talking about the end of season 1, not 2. Since Henry is alive in this story, it doesn't make sense for me to have Barry go back in time to save him mom since he made peace with it in the speed force. Also, time-travel confuses me so I don't want to deal with writing about it!**

 **On a side note, as I was writing Cisco, I realized how utterly heart-breaking it is for him to lose his bff and I almost resurrected Caitlin from the grave for him. Is it normal to tear up while writing your own dialogue? Anyways, please leave me your thoughts! I would love to know if it's ok and what I should try to improve. Please don't benegative for the sake of being negative. That's not cool.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hi guys thank you sooooooooooo so so so so so so much for reading and reviewing! You da the real MVP's! I responded to the reviewers who had an account, I'll just have to respond to everyone else on here!**

 **Guest "** Great start! Keep going **" Thank you! I'm going! I just spent three hours going lol**

 **Guest** "Such a great start." **Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!**

 **Reviewed "** You're making Cait turn into killer frost. You're going to have them try to bring her back to them and then Barry will be so consumed with Helping Caitlin that it will put his relationship with Iris in jeopardy. How you handle it from there honestly depends on who you ship **" that's a really good theory but I think it safe to say that its wrong! Lol I'm not planning on bringing KF into this fic. It could change, but it is not likely! I ship both SB and WA. Thanks so much for the review! I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

 **Guest "** You made me cry so hard! And i don't know if i can't keep reading this... i love Caitlin so much that i can't image the flash without her and i don't like westallen so this story is a not not for me... but you did great bring it up my emotions.. so kudos! **" thanks for the great compliments! It's amazing to hear my writing invokes those kinds of emotions! Hopefully you're reading this and decided to give this story a chance despite it being so sad for you. Trust me, I love Caitlin too, she's my favorite and I almost yelled at myself for killing her off lol! I wanted to work her into this story in a different way and I think you'll enjoy it.**

 **Guest "** great start! I hope to see more :) **" Thanks boo! It means a lot! Here's more lol**

 **Ok, so here is the chapter! This one is a little lighter in the beginning, not as much angst. I got to play with the side of Barry I love! Please excuse any spelling and grammar mistakes.**

 **Disclaimer:** **I do not own the Flash or anything associated with it. It belongs to DC and the CW.**

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

It's been three weeks since the conversation Iris, Cisco and he had in Star Labs and even though things are going much smoother with his friendship with Cisco, they were no closer to finding the peace they need to move forward with Caitlin's death.

Sitting at the main desk in Star Labs, Barry was finishing up some paper work for the CCPD that he brought with him to finish up after he was done patrolling the streets for the day. Being able to help people was cool, but it did hinder his work life. That's where he thanks his lucky stars that his super-power is speed, and not something lame like, invisibility.

As he was putting away his pen and calculater he was using for one of his cases, something shoved in the back of the desk caught his eye. Barry's eyes widened in shock; it was a deep crimson bowtie, the color matching perfectly with his suit. A memory came to the forefront of Barry's mind.

Before he could get too lost in it, someone interrupted him with the shout of his name. He looked over to see Harry approaching him. Barry would say that the only good thing to come out of the breaches having been opened was the fact that it brought them Harrison Wells and Jessie Wells of Earth-2. Harry had become a mentor to Harry, everything he wanted the Earth-1 Harrison to be until he found out the truth of Eobard Thawne. Harry was arrogant and like Cisco said, a dick, but he was a good teacher and an even better friend. Despite the rocky start, Barry knows he can always count on him.

"Barry, I made some adjustments to the tachyon device that I would like you to test out," Harry said bringing Barry out of his musings, holding up the device in question for him to take a look at. Barry laid the bow-tie gently on the desk next him and looked over the tachyon device that was able to help him increase his speed. It looked exactly the same to him, but he was sure that Cisco would be able to point out every little difference in it.

That's where Barry differed from them. While he was well educated in engineering, it being a required course in his studies to become a CSI, and he was able to help Wally in his school projects, Barry sometimes got lost in all the tech talk Cisco, Harry and sometimes even Jessie, got into. Barry was better with chemistry; he loved when he could talk to someone who could understand his love for it. Caitlin is the only one who could keep up with him when he got started. She loves it just as much as he does.

' _Was. Caitlin WAS the only one,'_ Barry thought, internally correcting himself.

"Why don't you just have Wally or Jessie do it? I'm sure they'll jump at the chance to be faster than the other," Barry replied not really in the mood to train, "Besides, I gotta head over to Joe's place. It's family night. You should come too by the way; do you ever take a break? It'll be fun!"

"Allen, if I wanted to see to a reenactment of Scar and Simba fighting over Pride Rock, then I would ask Wally and Jessie to test this thing out."

"For real? You guys have The Lion King on Earth-2? Sweet! Wait, who's Simba? Wally or Jessie? Personally I think-"

"Allen! Focus. The point is that those two are always seeing things as a competition and don't have the maturity to handle the situation. That and the fact that you are extraordinarily faster and more experienced."

"What does experience have to do with it? Sure they're not as fast, but they can handle running in a couple of circles."

"On the contrary Allen, if things were to transpire the way the first time you used this device did, I would say that they aren't in the right place with their abilities to deal with it the right way. Or do you think they will be able handle going to another Earth the same way you did when you met Powergirl?"

"Super, it's Supergirl. And do you think going to another Earth can happen again?" Barry corrected him.

"Besides the fact that they apparently don't have a Cisco there to name their superheroes and villains, I hardly see how her name has anything to do with it. And we can take some precautions but still, I would rather not even risk the possibility of them going through a breach just yet. So, can we stop this baseless argument and set a time to test it out? I would like to see to what capacity these changes can enhance your speed."

Barry sighed and thought about it. Harry was right; they probably wouldn't be able to handle going to another earth by themselves yet. And it was risky to even put them in a position where it was a possibility. Not to mention that despite the fact that Wally and Jessie were sweet on each other (Harry didn't much appreciate _that_ ), but that didn't stop them from getting extremely competitive to prove one was faster than the other. They've had arguments that would put Olivia and Fitz to shame. _'I really need to catch up on Scandal. I wonder if she chose the Sun or Vermont.'_

"Allen?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, uhh sure. How about Sunday?"

"Sounds good, I'll see you then. Have a good night Allen." Harry made to leave but Barry stopped him.

"Hey man, you never answered my question. Why don't you come to family night? Cisco would've been there but he said that Dante called him to chill. Come on man, I can always use more people to beat at scrabble."

"I don't think so Allen. I don't do…..scabble? What is that?"

"Wait for real? You guys don't have Scrabble? Now you have to come! Come on, Jessie will be there. Wally invited her."

Harry looked lost in thought for a moment. Barry knew that he got him, Harry wouldn't miss an opportunity to spy without consequence on his daughter and the dude trying to date her.

"Now that you mention it Allen, I think it is a good idea that I start familiarizing myself more with this world's culture. Let's go. And I know you were planning to use your speed to get there, but in wanting to keep my dignity I suggest that instead of you carrying me I'll drive and you explain this 'Scabble' game to me."

Barry let out a chuckle and told Harry that he'd meet him outside. As Barry turned to the desk he picked up the bowtie again and put it in his jacket pocket, not wanting to forget it there. He would need to learn how to tie it properly.

* * *

As game night was finishing up, Barry was helping Iris with the dishes. They had already said good-bye to Harry and Jessie. Joe and Wally were clearing up the living room.

"How did your case go today?" Iris asked Barry to end the comfortable silence they were working in.

"It went fine. Captain Singh is still on my ass about the McDonald case though." Barry finished drying and leaned on the counter.

"Oooh, a tough one. Scott is letting me do a piece on it for the next issues front page. Think I can get an exclusive with the head CSI on the case and get the inside scoop?" she through him a grin and batted her pretty eyes at him dramatically.

Barry couldn't hold in his chuckle as he pressed a kiss to her lips, "Anything for my girl."

Iris leaned into the kiss and wrapped her hands around his neck to deepen it. Barry appreciated the electricity running through his veins because of it. Kissing Iris is like a dream, like dancing in the soft rain. Every cell in his body comes alive and he can't help but lose himself in her. Hell, it's like every Nicholas Sparks movie come to life. A throat clearing made them jump apart. Joe was standing in the doorway looking stern but happy where Wally looked like he was unsure on whether to be amused or throw up.

"Iris, it's getting late baby. Now you know I wouldn't mind having you here all the time, I know you're gonna go home anyway. So I don't want you getting home too late." Joe said, putting the unused dishes in his hand back where they belong.

"Yeah, hey, go get your coat, I'll walk you home." Barry directed at Iris.

"Don't you mean 'flash' her home?" Wally said with the goofiest smile. Iris chuckled and punched him on the shoulder as she walked by him and headed to the living room.

"God Wally, could you get any cheesier?" Bickering, the duo left Barry and his pseudo-father alone in the kitchen.

"So, how you holdin' up?" Joe asked Barry, leaning on the counter across from him.

"Hmmm? What do you mean? I'm fine."

"Really? Harry told me about your outburst at Star Labs a few weeks ago. I thought we talked about this. "

"Since when do you and Harry gossip about me?"

"Since you go around yelling and blaming yourself for things that are out of your control. Stop avoiding the question" As Barry looked at Joe he felt like a kid again pretending to be sick so he wouldn't have to go to school. Henry was his father and he knows that he loves Barry dearly, but Joe raised him. Barry could kind of get away with things like this with Henry, but not Joe. He wouldn't rest till he got the last word.

"I said I'm fine Joe, I don't want to talk about this."

"We have to talk about this Barry, how many times do I gotta tell you that this is not your fault? Caitlin loss is a tragedy, but not yours to take the blame for."

"Like I said, I do not want to talk about this Joe. I'm trying to move past this, let me do it on my own terms. I have to go drop off Iris, can we not end this night as a fight please?"

Joe looked at Barry for a long time, long enough to make him restless. As he was about to break the silence, Joe beat him to it.

"You loved her."

He said it just like that. It wasn't a question, it was a statement, spoken with so much certainty it made Barry let out a small gasp. Out of all the things he was expecting Joe to say, it would never have crossed his mind that that was it.

' _Loved? Her? Her, as in Caitlin? That her? Maybe he means Iris. Yeah, that's it. But wait, he wouldn't have said LOVED, as in past tense, if he was talking about Iris. Well maybe he thinks you don't love Iris anymore. Well, with the show you put on earlier, I don't think he could doubt it. Then he does mean Caitlin? What?_

Barry's mind was in a whirlwind.

"Wh-What?"

"You loved her, or rather, you love her and you can't let her go because you never had her in the first place."

"Caitlin. You think I love Caitlin? That's insane. You're insane! I love Iris! You know, your DAUGHTER."

"I'm well aware of who she is Barry. This isn't about her this is about you and how you feel. Think about it. She was by your side the entire time you were in a coma. Even when Iris and I couldn't make it, she was there. Daytime, nighttime; at all hours. You're telling me you never thought about that? And she was there when you woke up. The first person you saw in your new life."

"There's a difference between being in love with someone and feeling gratitude for them Joe. I feel the same way for Cisco. They're my best friends!"

"Yes, but did you bond with Cisco over the people you lost. Did you go with him to seedy bars and sing karaoke with him well into the night? Did you stay with Cisco and help him mourn over the loss of his fiancé? Did you lose your mind when someone threatened Cisco? Did you show hesitation in taking down an enemy when they took his form? Did you hate the idea of standing in the sidelines, watching him marry someone else?"

Barry wanted Joe to stop talking. This was all just speculation on Joe's part. He's trying to make sense of the situation, to make sense of Barry's guilt in any way he can, no matter how convoluted it was. Barry didn't love Caitlin. He couldn't.

"This is ridiculous Joe! What, now a guy and a girl can't just be friends? I can't just miss her, I can't feel the pain of her loss without it being simply because I loved her as a friend? I couldn't have done all those things because I cared about her as friend and hated seeing her get hurt."

"Maybe you could have. But I don't think that's the case."

Barry didn't want to think about this. There was a growing pain in his heart, and the longer this conversation went on, the more it burned.

"I love Iris, Joe. Even with Linda and Patty, I have always loved Iris. What makes you think that would change? That I would fall in love with Caitlin? That she could be the difference?"

"Linda and Patty were distractions. They were great and you cared for them, but you were only with them to distract yourself from Iris. So you could feel something other than the rejection and pain you were getting from your relationship with Iris. Caitlin was never a distraction. She was a friend who you couldn't help but fall in love with along the way. You didn't become friends with her with the intent of being with her. It came so organically and naturally that you didn't even notice it."

Joe was not holding back. He had been thinking of this for quite some time and with what Harry told him today about what happened in Star Labs a few weeks ago, he decided it was finally time to say something to Barry. Joe was sure there was something more to this, and if he knew the son that he raised like he thinks he does, he was right on the money about Barry's feelings for Caitlin. Hopefully if Barry can come to terms with the love that he lost in Caitlin, he can finally move forward.

"I raised you Barry, and I never remember teaching you that someone can only love one person."

"This is crazy Joe." Barry didn't know what to think from here. He felt the sting of tears in his eyes but he refused to let Joe see him cry.

"Barry!" Iris' voice rang in from the living room, a reminder that he was supposed to walk her home. She popped up in the kitchen doorway already wearing her coat and holding Barry's in her hand, and studied both the somber faces of her father and boyfriend. "Is…..everything ok?"

"Everything's fine baby, just talking to Barry about a case we're working on. Where's Wally?" Joe answered for the both of them. Good thing for Barry because he couldn't seem to find his voice in front of her.

"Oh, he went upstairs to facetime Jessie. And they just saw each other! Kids these day." Iris laughed and shook her head affectionately. Then she turned her attention to Barry, "Hey, you wanna get going?"

Barry took a second to clear his throat, "Sure. Let's get you home honey."

"Bye dad. I love you, see you soon!" After giving her father her hug she headed towards the front door again. Barry said good bye to Joe and went to follow her.

"Barry," Joe's voice stopped him in his track, "Think about her smile."

Barry doesn't know what Joe wanted him to accomplish by thinking of Caitlin's smile, but he didn't want to stay and ask. He met Iris at the door and she handed him his coat.

"Since when do you wear bowties?" Iris asked him.

"What?"

She opened her hand to reveal the bowtie Barry had found earlier in the evening.

* * *

 _ **Christmas Eve, 2015**_

" _Barry?"_

 _Barry turned around to see the pretty sight of Caitlin Snow standing behind him, hands behind her back. She was biting her lip._

 _Barry was at Star Labs working with Cisco and Harry to try and find a way to increase his speed. With this new speedster starting to terrorize the city, Zoom, Barry had to up his game. The fact of the matter is, with Zoom here, Barry is far from the fastest man alive._

" _Hey Cait, what's up?"_

" _Well, I know things are crazy for you right now what with Zoom, and Joe having a kid, but it is still Christmas. Or did you forget?"_

 _Barry chuckled with affection for the doctor; of course she would be here to remind him about reality. Remembering that her hands were placed behind her back, he took a few steps forward in excitement._

" _No, I haven't forgotten. Is that a gift for me Dr. Snow?"_

" _Well,that depends Mr. Allen."_

" _On what?"_

" _On whether or not you have a gift for me hidden under that suit of yours. But then again, judging by how tight that thing is, it's probably a miracle_ _ **you**_ _even get into it."_

" _Are you saying you notice how tight my suit is Cait? Scandalous! What would Jay say?"_

" _Why Mr. Allen! So much arrogance is unbecoming of a superhero." She paused to let out melodic laugh, Barry unable to resist joining in, "Here, take it!" she said between small giggles. Caitlin handed Barry a small box with a pristine bow on top._

" _Oh Cait, I'm sorry. I didn't even get you anything."_

" _Barry, I was only joking before. You have an entire city to save; I don't expect you to go Christmas shopping. And even if you didn't save the city, your friendship would be enough for me every Christmas."_

 _Barry felt an immeasurable amount of warmth fill his heart at her words. He really was too lucky to have her in his life._

" _It goes both ways you know. You didn't have to get me anything. You being here is enough."_

 _Caitlin awarded him with the sweetest smile, lighting up her face enough to put the stars to shame._

" _I know, but this just makes me even more awesome. Come on, open it!"_

 _Barry chuckled and lifted his hand to open the box. Inside was a crimson bowtie. Barry picked it up and examined it with a grin._

" _Do you like it? I know you like the color but I also know that you don't wear bowties. I just thought, you know, New Year, new you? I mean not a completely new you of course, your perfect just the way you are, but I thought this would be a fashion statement! Plus I've already analyzed it and I'm pretty sure you're one of only 3 guys in the world who can pull of a bowtie on a regular basis. Not that you have to wear it all the ti-"_

 _Barry cut her off with a hug._

" _I love it Cait," he whispered in her ear. '_ _ **Did she just shiver?'**_ _"This is perfect. Thank you" As pulled he pulled away, Barry brought the bowtie to his neck, testing it out._

" _You're Welcome. You'll have to learn how to tie it, of course. I can show you later if you'd like?"_

" _Yeah Cait, I would like that."_

" _Okay."_

" _Okay."_

 _As Cisco called Barry and Caitlin to his work room not a minute later, Barry put it inside the desk drawer for safe keeping. Two days later, Zoom broke his back._

 **Present Time**

* * *

"Barry? Hun?" Barry snapped back into reality. Iris was still holding up the bowtie with an arched brow.

"Oh, uh, just thought I'd try something new" he said taking the bowtie from her.

"Oh, I think it'll look cute. I could teach you how to tie it if you want? I had to learn so I could help dad out for formal events."

Barry opened the door for Iris and they headed out the door.

"No, it's fine. I, uh, already know how."

Iris just shrugged and they flashed off to her apartment.

As Barry was lying in bed that night, he realized what Joe was trying to accomplish when he told Barry to think of her smile.

* * *

 **So what did you think? I love Joe West and I love the relationship he and Barry have! I'm totally biased because to me, Joe is Barry's dad, end of story. Henry is great, but he's not Joe. So we go out first Caitlin interaction! Yes, it was a flashback, but a very cute flashback lol. And I wasn't even planning on giving the flashback at all in the chapter but when I did, I struggled with whether I should put it in the beginning when he first find the bowtie, or after Joe's talk with Barry. In the end, it felt more intense to put it right after Joe told Barry to think about her. Through Joe, I hope I was able to portray the fact that loving two people is very much possible. Trust me, I know from experience. It's unfortunate our Barry has to learn about it this way.**

 **In regards to the bowtie, for those of you who aren't comic readers you should know that Barry Allen loves to wear this particular accessory on a regular basis. It sets him apart from all the other heroes in my humble my opinion! I can't imagine the writers for the show won't have him don it. So to me, having Caitlin be the reason our Barry starts wearing it is extremely significant and heart-wrenching! Every day when he puts it on, he'll think of her. If he can learn how to tie it of course ;)in**

 **in other news, i hope you all know (even if you don't watch Supergirl) that in episode 18 of season 2, Barry was training with the tachyon device and went into "Earth-3" to meet Supergirl! And thus you have the Flash/Supergirl crossover that was aired on season 1 episode 18 of Supergirl!**

 **And what do you guys think of Iris? Am I doing her justice? Like I said, I love all the characters on this show and she is definitely included. I adored comics Iris, and Candice P's portrayal of her makes me love her even more. The WA relationship to me is super cute (that kiss at the end of season 2 was beautiful), but I just can't help but see the sparks in SnowBarry. They are so intense.**

 **Ok, end long ass author's note! Please let me know your thoughts!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi guys! Sorry this update is a little late. I live in Orlando and if you know about the goings on in the world, then you know my City Beautiful took a hard hit this past Sunday. It's been hard.**

 **But anyhoo, here's a chapter for you! Thank you to everyone who reviewed/faved/followed! It really helps me keep on writing!**

* * *

 **Chapter 3**

Sunday morning came with a calming autumn breeze. Barry woke up early as he had to head to Star Labs to test out the changes made to the tachyon device. Five minutes after Barry left his house, he found himself flashing through the city to get to Star Labs, but instead of heading there now he was strolling through Central City cemetery. He doesn't know when he made the decision to come here but he realized that this was exactly where he needed to go.

Ever since his talk with Joe a couple nights ago, Barry had settled into a constant state of confusion. It felt as if his mind and heart were at war with each other. He wanted to deny it, he wanted to hide from it. He wanted to run back in time and stop Joe from ever saying it in the first place. But now that he's had time to think about it and did as Joe said and thought about her smile, he couldn't stop.

He was in love with Caitlin Snow.

Or at least, he definitely had feelings for her that were more than friendship. With that realization, Barry had felt utter joy, only for it to be taken over by turmoil when reality hit him. Not only did he love Iris, he was in relationship with her, and even if he wanted to see where these new found feelings would take him, Caitlin was dead. She was gone before he could even explore his love and that broke his heart.

As Barry stopped in front of his destination, he took a deep breath and read:

 _Dr. Caitlin Snow_

 _November 23, 1986-May 23, 2016_

 _You taught us many things in life_

 _That we would have to do_

 _But you never taught us how to cope_

 _With the hurt of losing you_

Withering flowers rested on her grave and Barry wonders who was there to visit her. Cisco had chosen the words and Barry can't help but think of how true they were. In fact, Cisco handled everything to do with Caitlin's funeral. He wouldn't let anyone else help. They had tried to get in contact with Caitlin's mother, but she refused to come. Cisco had told Barry later on that she and her mom never had the best of relationships.

 _'_ _But still, how could she not come to her own daughter's funeral? How heartless could you be?"_ thought Barry as he was overcome with grief as he thought of all the pain Caitlin had to endure in her too short life.

Barry sat down and ran his hand over the grass that has already started to grow over where she lay.

"Hey Sweetheart. Sorry I didn't bring you any flowers. I wish I knew what your favorite ones were," Barry sighed in resignation, "I miss you. Cisco does too. Things have gotten better with us though, we're able to talk to each other about you now. Iris and Joe are Iris and Joe. They're always there when I need them. Wally and Jessie are doing well. Harry is trying to make sure they get along, but he doesn't like it when they, you know, _get along_ , along."

He paused to let out a chuckle. Caitlin would have adored seeing Wally and Jessie fall for each other, almost as much as she would have loved seeing Harry annoyed with it.

"I wish you were here Caitlin. I _need_ you here with me. Joe said something. Well, he said a lot of things but they all meant the same. He said I love you Cait. Not just love, but he said I was _in love_ with you."

He looked at her stone intensely, as if it could ever replace being able to say this to her beautiful face.

"And he was right. I've had a few days to think about it. About your smile, like he told me too. I don't know what to do anymore. I love Iris, I do, but now I can't help but wonder. What would it be like to have you in my arms? To kiss those pretty lips? To have you look at me with love, the way you looked at Ronnie?"

He felt a surge of envy run through him at the thought of the man who got to feel Caitlin's love. It was immediately replaced with the guilt of feeling jealous of a friend. A man who gave his life for her, twice, something he couldn't even do once.

Barry felt a tear running down his cheek and hastily wiped it away. He pulled out the bowtie that he found the other day from his pocket. He couldn't leave his house without it.

"Look what I found. I'm so sorry I forgot about it. But now I'm pissed at you Cait. How dare you leave me before you could teach me how to tie this? You promised me! Now how am I supposed to learn?"

Barry decided right then that the silence is the worst part of losing her. The fact that he has so much to say to her, so much questions that he will never get an answer to. As he sits there, he realizes he has never hated the silence more.

"I don't know how to deal with this. I love Iris so much, I feel like I'm betraying her. But I can't help but miss you and think of you and all that we could have been. I need you to tell me what to do sweetheart. You would know what to do. I just, I need you. Why did you leave me?"

More silence.

A ringing of his cell phone interrupted his thoughts. It was Harry. He had spent more time here than he meant to. With one final glance at the grave, Barry flashed into Star Labs and was looking at Harry who had his phone to his ear.

"You rang?"

Harry shot him an annoyed look. He went off to go gather the equipment for the test and Barry noticed the other occupants in the room. Iris and Cisco were at the computers both wearing looks of amusement while Wally was looking at him in admiration. He'd been doing that a lot lately, looking up to Barry with that look. Joe says it because Wally looks up to him. Barry wishes he wouldn't.

"Hey guys, what's up?"

After the visit he just made to Caitlin, Barry found it difficult to act normal but he doesn't want Iris to worry nor does he want Cisco to backtrack.

"Nothing man, just here to help Harry monitor you. Dude, can you believe the changes he made to the tachyon device? You're gonna be able to go at least 20 times as fast as last time!"

It was nice to see Cisco excited about something like this.

"Yeah man, it's gonna be epic!" Barry and Cisco high-fived each other, and for a moment it was as if this past year had never happened.

"You know if you're not up to it today, I wouldn't mind trying it out instead," Wally said with an impish grin on his face.

"Nice try man, I got this one," Barry said with a chuckle, "You and Jessie can tear each other apart for the next one."

"Ahhh, that's cold man. You know she's gonna win."

"Only if you let her little brother" Iris said finally joining the conversation. She smirked at Wally who looked annoyed as any little brother would at his big sister.

"I don't need to let her win at anything she does a great job of it on her own." Wally said with a shake of his head and a fond smile.

"Yeah man? It has nothing to do with you not being, uh, focused enough?" Cisco, Iris and Barry loved teasing Wally about this. It always ended with Wally trying to stutter his way out of the conversation trying to say that he and Jessie were just friends. _'Yeah, ´_ Barry thought, _'and Oliver Queen is_ _ **just**_ _a reformed playboy turned mayor. Those two aren't fooling anyone.'_

Before Wally could reply Harry walked in and placed the device down on the desk with a little more force than necessary. No way he didn't hear their conversation. As Wally started stuttering a question to him to defuse the awkward tension Harry was forcing on him, Barry went to change into his suit.

It took him less than five seconds but he took a moment to look at the bowtie again. _'Oh Cait…'_ Barry sighed deeply and tucked the accessory into the inside of his suit for safe keeping. He doesn't know why but he can't bring himself to leave it behind, even for a quick test.

As Cisco was attaching the device to him, Barry was mentally pumping himself up for the thrill. At least Zoom hadn't taken this away from him too. He still enjoyed running and the kick-ass feeling that surges through him when he beats his own records.

"Okay man, just go as fast as you can around the city for a few minutes and we'll keep track of how fast you're going." Cisco tapped his chest where the device was and headed towards the computers.

Iris came up to him and placed a kiss on his lips.

"I heard what dad said to you the other day Barry."

Barry looked into her eyes in shock. She- she heard?

"Iris wha- what? What are you talking about."

She pressed a finger to his lips "Shh. It's okay. We're okay. I just don't want you avoiding me like you have been the past couple of days. When we're done here today we'll talk about it, kay?"

Barry could only nod his head as he watched her walk away. What did he do to deserve her?

"Okay Allen, ready when you are."

Harry had given him the thumbs up to go. With that, Barry catapulted himself out of the room as fast as he could. He really didn't know which direction he was going; he trusted his powers and instincts to take him down a clear path. He saw his city blur past him in a flurry of wind and heat. Sparks went through his body just as they always did when he pushed himself this far. He could hear Cisco in his ear whooping at how fast he was going, he could practically hear Harry's smirk of triumph and Wally's look of awe. And Iris, beautiful Iris, congratulating him on a job well done. But there was something missing. A sweet, soft voice cautioning him not to push himself to hard and the proud giggle of satisfaction when he disobeys her and succeeds his goal.

Barry closes his eyes and lets his instinct take over. He goes faster still, ignoring his friends telling him that he can stop now. He doesn't hear them anymore; he doesn't hear anything anymore. Barry was no longer running for something, he was running _to_ something.

And then he stopped. Slowly he opened his eyes and looked around. He was….in Central City? But it was deserted. No, this couldn't be his beloved city. _'Oh man, what the hell did I do now?'_

"I was wondering what took you so long."

* * *

 **Exciting stuff is happening guys! Guess where our Barry is and who do you think is talking to him? The grave scene had me crying. I'm looking at about three more chapters for this story.**

 **If you have any questions let me know! Please leave reviews!**

 **As I stated in my first Author's note, I live in Orlando and this week has been absolutely devastating. I have a couple things I will be doing this week to help my community and then next week I will be on vacation (after everything that happened I feel guilty for going). The point is, I probably won't be able to update until the following week! I'll try for sooner but no promises.**

 **Kisses!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sorry for this uber late update but I just got back from vacation recently. And not gonna lie but Game of Thrones has not left me alone all week! While I should have been typing away for an update, I was wasting away on YouTube and Google watching and reading everything that could possibly do with that show/books. But here we are, not too much later than I promised so don't hate me.**

 **Thank you to all the amazing people who took the time to read and especially leave some kind and awesome reviews. To my guest reviewers who I can't message directly I LOVE YOU! Kisses to all of you! Also read my ending author's note to see what has me losing my mind!**

 **So fair warning this chapter can be taken as cheesy but I like cheese. So there. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I only own Barry Allen in my head. Otherwise, ya'll know he and everything the Flash is owned by DC/CW/Berlanti.**

* * *

 **Chapter 4**

' _Maybe I'm dead'_

Those were the first words that came to mind the instant he heard her voice. Barry didn't move, he didn't make a sound. All he could do was look forward and wait for the voice from behind him to say something else. He did not dare believe that it was the voice he'd been yearning to hear for so long.

"You came all this way and you don't even want to look at me?"

There it was again, that voice. Barry took a deep breath and braced himself for what-or who- he was sure to see. He finally took the risk and turned around.

She looked beautiful, standing there not five feet away from him, like some kind of angel. Chestnuts curls loose and blowing in her face with a subtle smile that took his breath away; piercing brown eyes that felt like he waited an eternity to look into.

"Caitlin…" Barry let out her name in a whisper hoping that whatever dream this was he would never wake up from it.

In two big strides he had closed the distance between their bodies and engulfed her in a bone crushing hug. Feeling her warm body pressed against his, he couldn't hold back as a sob escaped his lips. Barry felt her hand running through his hair and it was enough to calm him down so he didn't completely lose it in front of her. He had no idea what was going on or how Caitlin was here but he found that he could careless as long as she was here, with him.

Barry doesn't know how long he stood there in her embrace but eventually he was able to pull back and study her face while resting a hand on her cheek. His memories and photos didn't do her an ounce of justice as he looked into her dark eyes. She was a vision. All he wanted to do was just stand there and drink in her soft features, the rest of the world be damned. She had other ideas it seemed.

"You sure did keep me waiting Mr. Allen."

This snapped Barry out of his Caitlin induced haze. _'Where am I? What the hell is going on?'_ Barry thought frantically as he looked around and remembered how…empty…the world seemed.

"Cai- Caitlin?" Barry started, "Where are we? How are you here?"

As Caitlin moved to step away from him, Barry planted his hands firmly on her waist, scared to let her go in case she disappeared. Letting out a deep sigh, Caitlin resigned to smoothing out the non-existent wrinkles of his shirt. _'Wait…Shirt? Where the hell did my suit go?'_

"Barry," Caitlin started bringing his full attention back to her, "Where do you think we are?"

Allowing himself to look away from for a moment, he once more observed his surroundings. It looked like a park; in fact it is a park. The Central City Park to be more specific. But instead of the usual hustle and bustle of families or people walking their dogs, he and Caitlin were all alone. Not a soul in sight. It should have felt eerie, but all he felt was a familiarity and a comfort.

It dawned on him in one fell swoop; he knew where he was and with that realization there also came a deep burning fury. And suddenly it wasn't Caitlin in his arms but a cruel monster whose sole purpose was to cause him misery. Barry couldn't let go of her fast enough and took several steps away ignoring the hurt look that flitted across her beautiful features. The masochist in him couldn't bring himself to rid himself of her presence completely because it didn't matter if this…woman…in front of him wasn't _his_ Caitlin. It didn't matter that this was just an image created by the Speed Force-because that's where he was, he'd realized-to mess with his head; he was still selfish enough to want to see at least some version of Caitlin in front of him.

"What the _fuck?_ Is this some kind of sick joke? I don't care if I'm left to fend for myself in this god-forsaken place just _fucking stop using her!_ You aren't her so stop fucking trying!"

"Barry it _is_ me," she tried to close the distance between them but Barry stopped her advances. "I'm your Caitlin, I swear. I've waited so long to see you Barry it feels like it's been an eternity. Time passes differently here, you see. But it is me, I'm here. Just look at me."

Her voice sounded the same, the hands that she had finally managed to rest on his cheek _felt_ the same and her eyes that were forcing him to look at her had the same swirls of brown in them that he remembered. _"Could she really be here?"_ Barry brought his hands to cup her face as well reveling in the softness of her skin.

"If you're Caitlin, my Cait, then I must be dead."

Barry heard her let out a little giggle and he closed his eyes at the sound of it. That sounded the same too.

"I am your Caitlin and I am dead, but that doesn't mean you're dead Mr. Allen"

With that she stepped out of their little bubble and took his arm to guide him towards a nearby bench. As she sat down she sighed and turned to face him.

"Considering you reaction earlier I'm guessing you know that you're in the Speed Force?"

Barry nodded, "But why am I here Cait? I mean I'm thrilled to see you, if it _is_ you, but why am I in the Speed Force? Last time I was here was when I was trying to get my speed back."

"That's what I want to know too. Zoom had killed me and I was just…here. I didn't know where here was though. I kind of wandered for a bit and ended up at this place's version of Star labs and researched for a long time. I didn't even realize I wasn't sleeping or eating because I didn't need to. Then one day Ronnie was here. And we just kind sat together."

"Wait! If Ronnie was here then- Ronnie is dead too Cait! How do you know I'm not dead?"

Caitlin put a hand over his heart that was pulsing.

"You feel different than he felt."

Barry let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He tentatively held out his hand and pressed above her heart as well. To his shock he felt it beat. Hope filled him and he looked up at her with a question in his eyes. Caitlin only gave him a sad smile.

"It only adds to the illusion Barry. It's only beating 'cause you want it to. Just like I'm only here because you want me to be here."

And with that, the hope disappeared, replaced with a deep ache and longing. He pulled her close to him again, tucking her head underneath his chin and leaning back onto the bench fully. He didn't care if this wasn't really her. It looked like her, spoke like her, felt like her and even smelt like her. How could he not give in?

"How did you figure out this was the Speed Force sweetheart? You weren't with us when I was in it the first time. You were- you were…" Barry choked on his words not knowing why he couldn't force them out.

"I was with Zoom."

He could only nod as she continued.

"I didn't figure it out. Ronnie told me. I don't think it was really Ronnie though. But that's not important. After knowing what this place was I knew that I had to be here for you. So now it's my turn to ask the questions. What happened Barry? Why are you here?"

"I-I'm not sure sweetheart. I was running, fast, and I was thinking about you and how much I missed you. I was running so damn fast Cait I couldn't feel anything anymore. All I wanted to do was keep running and get to you. So that's what I did I guess.

"Oh Barry. I'm so sorry I caused you pain."

Barry quickly released her and knelt on the ground in front of the bench. He took a hold of her hands in earnest.

"Don't you dare Caitlin Snow. Don't you dare _ever_ apologize. _I'm_ sorry. I'm so sorry I let him take you sweetheart. I let him hurt you and I'm so fucking sorry!"

As Barry rested his forehead to her knees he felt Caitlin's hand combing through his hair again.

"Barry I want you to listen to me. Can you do that?"

He nodded and looked up into her eyes. _'Those eyes…'_

"When I was asking Hunter to spare your life I made a decision. I knew he wouldn't just go without leaving his mark that day and it was a risk I was willing to take for _you._ I made that choice Barry, for me, for you, for all of us. I was relieved when he took me. No! Don't interrupt, just listen. I was relieved that he took me instead of killing you. I was relieved that he took me instead of any of our friends. For once, I got to help _you_. I couldn't bear the thought of that monster hurting you, hurting any of you and I was so relieved Barry that I was the casualty in that war that was destined to take something from us. I don't regret any of the choices I made. I don't regret any of the choices you made. I'm only sorry that I didn't get to say goodbye to you, to Cisco. So please don't apologize Barry. Please. Just…just be happy. Go live and be happy with Iris and Joe and Cisco and Harry and Jessie and Wally and Patty and Oliver and Felicity and Captain Singh. Whoever you want. Just be _happy._ "

"So what? You just want to forget that you were _killed_ because I wasn't fast enough?"

"Barry, you're hearing me but are you listening? It's not your fault. I made the choices that brought to that point. I chose to start something with Jay even though I wasn't ready, even though I-" She cuts off taking a deep breath in, "Look, we all made mistakes when it came to Zoom but at the end of the day it wasn't any of our faults. It was his. He hurt you, destroyed things, and killed all those people. He killed _me._ Why should we-you- have to live with the guilt of that." Caitlin took his chin in her hand to focus his eyes on hers, "All you're doing is letting him win. And you, Barry Allen, will _not_ let. Him. Win."

They were quiet for how long he didn't know. _'Time passes differently here'_ her voice danced around in his head. He took his hand and caressed her cheek marveling at the fact that she was here, in front of him.

"I'm staying with you"

"What!? Barry that's crazy. You have to go back"

"Oh really? Do you know how to get me back?

At this she struggled but had a defiant set to her chin that he found adorable.

"No but I'll figure it out! You're talking crazy. You can't stay with me, you're not even dead!"

"Right, cause I feel different? That was a little cheesy sweetheart."

"Hey, it was not! And you _do_ feel different than how Ronnie felt."

"Feel a lot of him, did you?" This came out a lot more malicious then he intended it to. This is what it's come to, being jealous of a ghost.

"Barry Allen, will you knock it off! You can't stay here. You have too many reasons to go back. Central City needs you. Our friends, your family! They all need you. Iris…"

Caitlin trailed off at the end. And it hit Barry that she still doesn't know about his conflicting feelings.

"Look, you and Iris, you're good together. You belong together. You're _destiny._ You may think you love me but-"

"Wait what? What- you _knew_?"

"Oh Barry honestly! Of course I knew you must have had some sort of feelings for me. You just…kinda…stared sometimes. But I'm dead Barry and you deserve so much more, you deserve Iris. You love her."

"But I love you too. No, now _you_ listen. I love you Caitlin Snow. You're dead and I love you. I love Iris and I love you. I want to marry Iris and I love you. I want to grow old with Iris and I want to stay here, in your arms forever because I fucking love you and now that I know it I don't know how to stop. I don't want to stop and I don't know where the hell I go from here. Because sweetheart, loving you- as devastating as it is to realize it after I lost you- is the best part of me. You are the best part of me. So I want to stay with you."

Barry wiped away the tears that had spilled from Caitlin's eyes. He hated himself for causing her pain. He felt guilty for speaking this way to a woman who is not Iris. But most of all he felt love for this woman in front of him and relief that he could actually say this to her. A sudden thought came to Barry. A hideous, cruel thought that made him want to cringe. _'Just because I love her, doesn't mean she loves me."_ Barry hadn't stopped to think about that. She had loved Ronnie so deeply and she even had feelings for Jay but she never once showed any signs that she had feelings for him.

"Do you-"

"So is Iris." Caitlin said at the same time he was going to ask her how she felt.

"What?" Barry was caught off guard by her response.

"So is Iris. She's the best part of you too."

And therein lays the dilemma.

* * *

 **A/N: Sooooooooooo what did ya think? Did I lay it on a little thick? One of the guest reviewers guessed it spot on. I still love this chapter though because my love makes her debut! And just to clarify, for the purposes of my story it IS Caitlin he is talking too. Not a creepy Speed Force thing.**

 **For fun, did anyone count how many times I said Barry's name in this chapter? It was a lot.**

 **Next chapter should be fun because Barry has some questions for our Caitlin!**

 **And holy crap did you guys hear the news?! Tom Felton is going to be on the Flash! AHHHHHH! My Harry Potter heart is EXPLODING! I guess since WestAllen looks like endgame for the show, I'm so down for a Cait and Draco (or Julian they said his name is) pairing. This gives me awesome ideas for fanfics that include Jealous Barry lol. But seriously, let my babe be happy writers!**

 **I have some awesome thoughts on a lot of upcoming Fanfics I want write not only for the Flash but other shows as well. Head over to my bio to see what shows and stuff I'm interested in and if you're interested in any of the same, don't shy away from asking to write a fanfic for you!**

 **Love you all. Reviews are always appreciated!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This one is a doozy.**

 **I LOVE LOV E LOVE YOU GUYS! The reviews really brighten my day and I appreciate all of you for taking out the time to leave me a little gift.**

 **I want to reply to some of the guest reviews on here real quick because they were direct questions.**

 **guest:** Every time Barry said sweetheart my heart skip a bit! What a update my hopes were high! I thought she was alive. If wa is end game in the show can you make sb end game in the story? Please cherry on top **-aww my heart skips a beat when he calls he sweetheart too. I never intended to put that in but it came out naturally as I was typing and I can so see Barry calling her that. About the endgame stuff. I can't answer that till my story is over so, ask again an I'll tell you my thoughts (if you wanna know).**

 **ShanouNash:** I just discover this fanfic! I'm a Snowbarry shipper, I don't hate Iris, I just prefer her as Barry's best friend or kind of sister. So I was sceptical about this fanfic... But after these four chapters, I really start to like it! Of course, I prefer when Barry is with Caitlin, or when he thinks about her but I was thinking that if something had to happened between Barry and Caitlin and it has to end for Westallen, I think I would like it to be like this, like a lost love because of Caitlin's death... You know, like Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy in Spider-Man in a certain way... Even if I can't imagine the show without her! But I wouldn't like Caitlin to go away or turning evil or just die without something Snowbarry... I don't know... Well now I can't wait to read the next chapters! I hope there will still be Snowbarry moments in the chapters which come! **\- thanks so much for readind/reviewing! I'm glad you are enjoying the story. I ship both of them, slightly more with Cait cause she as a character is more interesting to me. I can't really answer much else without spoiling the story so enjoy! Oh, and Gwen and Peter are awesome!**

 **F4T:** Just thought you should be warned that it has been speculated that Julian dorn is in fact cait's long lost brother aka "Charlie snow "(as per reference ) **\- oh I know and thanks for the heads up anyways! That was actually the first thing I thought when they mentioned his character. But its not official yet, and even if I write a fic with him actually being her bro, it's not like Barry know he's her bro, am I right? Thanks for reading/reviewing!**

 **Anyone I didn't answer, please know that I love you!**

 **So I was supposed to update this last night but I literally fell asleep making grammar corrections. It was like 3 am. I am running on 4 hours of sleep. But YOLO right?**

 **Excuse any grammar/spelling errors please! Lack of sleep does not good grammar make. Previous disclaimers apply.**

* * *

 **Chapter 5**

Caitlin Snow had never felt more alive. And she had to admit, considering the current she was in-dead- that was pretty sad. But hey, she can't really remember what _exactly_ it felt like to be alive so she thinks that this feeling she has in her dead heart, sitting next to Barry after god knows how long, must be a close comparison.

' _It still doesn't make sense why he's here though'_ she thought as she looked over at him. They hadn't spoken since she made the comment about Iris and he looked deep in thought. He was still as handsome as ever. Caitlin sighed in resignation. _'The universe seriously sucks. Of course he realized he loved me AFTER I died."_

In truth though, she doesn't know what would have happened if he had realized his feelings if she were still alive. Because what she said earlier was true, he may love her and he may want to be with her even in her death, which she had to admit was romantic in a Romeo and Juliet type of way, (though she really needed to have a conversation with him about his priorities) but he did love Iris too. He always had and he always will.

At one point, that thought had made her sad. Sad because ever since Barry Allen had woken up from a 9 month coma and his intense eyes clashed with her own, she was a goner. She felt guilty at first, for getting butterflies in her stomach and for always wanting to lean a little closer than necessary. She felt that she was betraying Ronnie, her not-so-dead (at the time) fiancé, and his love for her. She came off as cold to Barry, wanting to create as much emotional (and physical) distance between them as possible. But Barry was persistent. He had been hell-bent on being her friend and they both understood the pain of losing someone they love. It was a morbid yet easy way to connect with him. He had made her laugh and enjoy life again. The unintentional karaoke night is one of her fondest memories.

So she fell for him. Despite the fact that she was going to be diving head-first into a world of hurt. How could she not? He was goofy and intelligent, occasionally arrogant (which is hot _sometimes_ ), and he cared about her. And he wasn't bad to look at either. Sure he wasn't a chiseled Greek god like Oliver Queen or Ronnie or even Jay (ugh), nor did he have the mysterious-sexy-older-man thing that Dr. Wells (earth 2 version, NOT crazy-psycho-not-really-Dr. Wells-and-actually-Eobard Thawne) had going for him. Nope. Barry was lean and muscled with a smile that could make her heart skip a beat. Not to mention the fact that all of that was highlighted by the fact that he was a god-damn superhero. How could she not fall for him?

And to make matters worse (better?), she had just _known_ that Barry felt something for her. Caitlin's job was to (over)analyze things. And from the moment she realized her feelings for him, Barry Allen had been her favorite subject to study. When she told him that he stared, she wasn't kidding. Like the time he told her that she bites her lip when she's nervous. You don't just notice things like that about your friends do you? Or that time when he absolutely checked her out on karaoke night. Then the conversation they had in Star Labs the next day about moving on from the past; they had definitely shared a moment then. And then there was that _look_ on her wedding day to Ronnie. Or when Jay came into the picture, sometimes the stares would become glares. He even copped a feel of her ass(ets) when he was temporarily blind! Ok, so maybe that one was an "accident" but his hand did linger way too long. The point is that Barry has definitely shown more interest in her than just friendship.

But it wasn't just the looks. It was the long, emotional talks that helped her connect with him more than she had with anyone before him. It was the gentle caresses of a comforting hand. It was the words of hope that he would whisper in her ear as he held her when she cried. Cried for Ronnie, cried for Eobard's betrayal, cried for Jay. It was the take-out he would bring to her home on the quiet weekends. It was the nutella and raspberry crepes he ran all the way to France for. The little things like the he cup of coffee in the morning and starting her computer for her before she came in because he knew she got impatient with the start-up process.

So Caitlin had known that he must've felt something, she just figured that it could never stand in comparison to his love for Iris. Sweet, kind, _gorgeous_ Iris. So she resigned herself to grieve for the love she lost in Ronnie and lose herself in pursuing Jay Garrick aka Hunter Zoloman aka the worst mistake of her life. She had wanted to feel something other than the pain of losing Ronnie, the rejection that came with Barry, and the coldness that was encompassing her heart. She clung to the thought of Jay and who he could be for her. Big and chiseled and engulfing her in his warmth like Ronnie. Gentle and smiling and understanding like Barry. Intelligent and a freaking super-hero like both. She thought Jay could be what she needed. But his touches felt off. They were rough and determined. His smiles were never playful enough and his words always practiced. When he held her she didn't feel Ronnie's warmth. But she ignored her instincts, she ignored everything telling her that this _wasn't right,_ and she _wasn't ready._

And the cost was her life. A life she could have spent with Barry. Maybe as friend, maybe more. A life she could have spent furthering her research with Dr. Wells and finding new breakthroughs in science, something she always loved. A life with Cisco cracking jokes and endless Harry Potter marathons. Oh Cisco….

Breaking out of her own musings, Caitlin saw that Barry was still lost in his.

"Hey Barry?"

He turned to her then, giving her another one of those smiles that she'll never tire of.

"Yeah sweetheart?"

Again with 'sweetheart' stuff. Remember when she said she felt alive? Blame it on this idiotic idiot and his adorably idiotic endearment.

"How is Cisco doing? I-I miss him." Caitlin felt her bottom lip quiver in an effort to not cry at the thought of her best friend, her brother in every way that matters. If she was Dorothy, he was her scarecrow and she had missed him most of all…

"He's doing alright. Now he is anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"Caitlin, when you died, god! We didn't know what to do with ourselves! We found you at the CCPD and there were bruises all over you. You were dead at least a full day before we were able to get to you. Cisco-he, oh Cait he saw you before I did. He had you in his arms. He screamed. It broke him, broke _us,_ to know that we didn't save you, to know what you had to go through."

Barry shook his head looking down at his lap and she wanted nothing more than to take all his pain away. To take away the trauma the psycho Zoloman had left behind in all her friends. She had to move on to whatever was next for her with the memories of Hunter Zoloman haunting her. But that didn't mean her loved ones had to. She could reassure them and let them know that she was ok. Whatever was next for her, she was okay. She'll move on and so should they. And to do that she had to give them closure. Might as well start with Barry.

"What were you going to say?"

"Hmmm? What?"

"When I said that about Iris, about her being your home too, you were gonna say something. What was it?"

She knew exactly what he was going to say, or rather ask. She had seen the look in his eyes, somewhat panicky and boyish. And now she was ready to answer him. Though she wished this was happening under different circumstances, you know, her being alive would be awesome. But she'll take what she can get.

Barry shuffled where he sat nervously, probably wondering how to ask. Then a look of determination flitted across his face and he took her hand in his again. Leaning forward he pressed his forehead to hers.

"Caitlin, sweetheart, I told you I love you. I meant it." Barry's voice was barely a whisper and it sent shivers down her spine. Tingles she was surprised she could still experience but thrilled nonetheless. "Do you love me too Caitlin? Ask me to stay with you and I will. Iris, she knows. She told me she knows about how I feel for you and she'll understand. She'll find someone to love her, fully and completely, the way she deserves. Just say the word and I'll stay. I don't know what this is, some sort of purgatory or something. I don't care; I'll endure it, with you."

"Won't you miss Iris?"

"Iris, yes god yes I will miss her. So fucking much. But she'll get through it and I'll exist with the pain. For you. Iris, she has her family. I can go peacefully knowing she won't be alone at least. How am I supposed leave you here alone? I can't."

"Barry, you don't have to worry about me. I won't ever be alone, not here, not anywhere. You will always be with me, and I with you. We're part of each other. My time on earth is over and you have to accept that."

"How?" he asks her brokenly and she wants to cry. She wants to scream at how unfair it is that they could never have their time. She wants to be angry at the fucking universe, at God; at whatever it was that took her away from her life and took her away from Barry. But right now she has to be strong, for him. If he needed her strength, she'll give it to him. She'll bear the pain so he won't have to.

"By knowing that I loved you Barry Allen" his eyes flew open, locking with hers. She plowed on. "I love you. I love your smile, your eyes, your face and your powers. I love you. I love your corny jokes and our playful banter. I love how you know exactly what to say and exactly when to say it. I love how you say 'for real' whenever something excites you or irritates you. Your courage, your honor, your loyalty. Your heart. I love that nothing means more to you in this world you're your family and your friends. I love your love for Iris. I love the love you have for me. I didn't mean to love you, I fought it so hard Barry, because of Ronnie and Iris and Jay, damn him. But then you would smile and 'Summer Nights' would play through my head and I would fall in love even more, every time."

"Then why aren't you fighting for me? For us? Why are you so willing to let me go?"

"Because I love you, dumbass! You want to stay because you love me and I want you to go because I love you. How do you think I would feel knowing you were stuck here, because of me? This isn't what I want for you Barry! I want you healthy and happy, living life! _Living_ , Barry! Not here in whatever the fuck this Speed Force thing is. Not wherever I go next. I want you on earth, our earth, with Iris and your family. Your friends. I want you to have little Barrys running around one day. You still have that chance Barry. I don't, I _can't._ I want to stay with you, always, I want to be with you, but I can't and I won't"

Barry just stared, his eyes unreadable. He still had her hands clutched in his and the more she said the tighter they got. He let out deep sigh. She waited.

"There will never be a day when I won't miss you."

She leaped into his arms and let go. And finally she cried, for all that they have. For all that they lost. She cried for herself, for the life she could have had. She cried for Barry and the burden he bared in having the world was on his shoulders. His mother had died, and now so had she. She cried for Iris, for the friend she betrayed by loving Barry. Sweet Iris who would never hold it against her. She cried for Cisco and the pain she had caused him. She misses him so fucking much. Barry nuzzled his face into her hair, holding her tight.

After a while her sobbing subsided and she pulled away from him. Getting up from the bench, Barry let her go completely.

"I want you to be happy Barry. I want you to stop feeling this guilt. Can you do that? Please? For me?"

"I'll try Cait." Barry sighed and stuffed his hands in his pockets. She watched his eyes widen in shock. He pulled out his right hand and revealed…

"Oh! Is that the bowtie I got you on Christmas?"

She remembered getting that for him. She was browsing through the mall one day for gifts and she saw it just sitting there. The red color had matched Barry's suit perfectly and she could just picture him wearing with a tux. Or even just a button down with a vest. At the time, those images of him in her head fueled all her nerdy fantasies. Blushing, she glanced up at Barry again only to see him gazing at her with a dopey smile on his face.

"What?"

"The universe can be poetic when it wants to be."

"Again, what?"

"Sweetheart, you were supposed to teach me how to tie this. You never got the chance. Can you show me now?"

Caitlin's throat closed up in emotion. She nodded and took the tie from his hands. Caressing it with her hands, Caitlin admired its softness. Barry stepped right up to her and wrapped both his hands around her waist pulling her flush against him. She let out a startled breath and raised an eyebrow at him in a silent question.

"So I don't miss anything" he responded with a smirk.

Rolling her eyes, Caitlin popped the collar on Barry's button down, untied the bow and brought it around his neck.

"Well, we wouldn't want that would we? Pay attention."

As she was explaining all the loops and twist that involve the tying of the perfect knot, Caitlin couldn't help but imagine a life where he wouldn't have to learn how to tie it. A life where she could just do it for him, every day. Feeling his eyes on her she looked up into his burning gaze. Giving him a small smile she took one of her hands and tilted his chin downwards.

"The lesson is down here Barry. You have to pay attention remember? It's not like you can just come see me in the Speed Force anytime you want."

"You're right, I can't. So what the hell am I waiting for?"

She saw him close the distance and had no time to prepare. As if she could actually prepare for this though. Feeling the pressure of his lips on hers, she immediately responded in kind. Barry was a man starved and Caitlin was his feast. She felt him suck her bottom lip and bite down on it. His passion and hunger surprised her, causing her to let out a startled gasp. Barry used this as an opportunity to let his tongue explore her mouth. Fisting a hand in her hair one second and pushing her against a tree the next, Caitlin had to pull back to breathe (hey, freaking spirits in a speed force need oxygen too!). She felt him trail kisses down her neck stopping to suck just below her ear, causing her to let out an embarrassingly loud moan of pleasure. She didn't dwell to long on that though because his lips were back on her. Barry Allen was kissing her and lord, did he kiss her well.

"Do you have any idea how much I wanted to bite that lip of yours?" Barry practically growled out (seriously growled!) and pulled away to ghost his mouth over hers.

Caitlin let herself be sucked back into a mind-frame that didn't involve a kiss-induced coma cause by one Scarlett Speedster. Which was kind difficult since he went back to suckling her neck.

"Hey uh, Barry?"

"Hmmm?"

"Barry!?"

"Yeah sweetheart?" Barry lifted his eyes to meet hers again.

"Umm, the uh, the bowtie?"

Barry pulled away then, catching his breath and taking his hands from her hair, replacing them on her waist. Her hips to be exact. Leaning back into the tree, Caitlin let herself come down from that incredible high. Why did he have to do that? Why did he have to make this so much harder? _'Breathe Caitlin. Just Breathe. You can do this'_.

"Will you pay attention this time?"

"I'll pay attention. And I'll never forget."

With trembling hands Caitlin finished showing him how to tie the bowtie properly. The selfish part of her hoped that every time he tied it, he would think of her. Kissing the tie that was now snug around his, she leaned back and got a good look at him.

"Well don't you look dashing."

Barry let out a small laugh that lit up his face. He did look quite handsome.

"Can you do something for me? When you get back?"

"Anything you want Cait."

"Could you let Cisco touch your bowtie? So he can vibe me? Maybe he needs something I touched after my death to see me."

"Sure, I can do that. But we don't know much about his powers yet. What if he can-"

"If he can't then tell him that I love him. Tell him that he is the best friend that anyone could ask for. Let him know that I'll be okay and that all I want, all I have ever wanted for him was his happiness. Okay?"

"Okay."

Caitlin felt pathetic as yet another round of tears poured from her eyes. But she was about to lose the last connection to her living life and everyone she love in it. She couldn't help it.

"You have to go now Barry."

Barry looked conflicted.

"I don't know how to Cai-"

As he was saying the words the atmosphere changed and out of nowhere a large opening was created in front of them. It was extraordinary. Energy charged through it making the lights flickering throughout look like tiny jolts of lightning. Like speed itself.

"I guess the Speed Force knew when you'd be ready"

Now Barry looked scared. Grasping onto her hand tight. She knew what he was feeling because she was feeling it to. She didn't want to let go. Not now, not ever. But as she looked back in the beautiful ball on energy, she saw Iris. Wonderful, beautiful Iris standing there, arms outstretched, looking at them with the saddest smile Caitlin had ever seen on her face. Iris, who deserved every good thing in the world. She saw everything Barry was going to have and all the joy his life would bring him. Turning back to Barry she forcefully let go of his hand and pushed him towards his future.

"Go! Iris, she came for you. You have to go!"

Turning around, Barry eyes locked on Iris. For the longest time they just stood there, staring. Barry reached forward and took her hand. Iris nodded and he nodded back.

Then she was in his arms again and Caitlin didn't know how she stayed upright as she was jolted so fast. Looking up she saw the purest look of love she had ever seen and she thought that yes, this must be her heaven.

"Caitlin Snow, I will love you for as long as I live and after. I will love you so truly and so purely that the universe, the same damn universe that took you from me, will conspire for me to get you. I will never forget you and one day, even if I have to go through space and time, you will be in my arms again. And I will never let you go."

With one final searing kiss to her lips, Barry took Iris' hand and disappeared from the speed force. Caitlin Snow was dead to the world, but she had never felt more alive.

* * *

 _So we fell in love and the suffering became my destiny._

* * *

 **One more chapter after this guys. Leave me some love (or nicely worded critiques :D) in the reviews! Can anyone find the phrase I stole from Lion King?**


	6. Chapter 6

**AND DONE! Please excuse any grammar mistakes, I totally didn't proof read this.**

 **Previous disclaimers apply.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

 **Chapter 6**

In one fell swoop and what felt like a punch in the gut, Barry and Iris landed in Star Labs. A little disoriented, Barry forced himself to focus in on his surroundings. All of his family were here, waiting for him to come back it seems. Cisco is taking off his Vibe "goggles" which he had no doubt used to get Barry back. Jessie gave him a wave while Wally looked on in awe. Harry and Joe were silent. They were in the same lab he was in the last time he came back from the Speed Force only this time he felt the unbelievable urge to make the world's biggest U-turn and head straight back in her arms.

Caitlin.

If Barry thought he felt the pain of losing her before he was horribly mistaken. He had never felt this way before and he was ready to do anything - _anything_ \- to stop it.

Just as he was about to speed off and get her back, by any means necessary, Iris laid her hand on his shoulder in silent comfort.

And looking into her eyes, looking at the love that she has for him and feeling his love for her in flow through him, with Caitlin's pleas for him to leave her ringing in his head, Barry realized that he couldn't. He hates himself for that.

Iris engulfs him in a hug and with no regard to who is watching, Barry lets go. He is so tired of feeling this way; this torn and angry and sad and guilty.

"I had her Iris. I had her in my arms and I couldn't do anything. I just- I just left her"

"Shh shh Barry, it's gonna be okay honey. Everything's gonna be okay. Shh" As Iris consoled him, he felt the air shift around him and he knew the others left to give them privacy. Barry was thankful for that.

* * *

He doesn't know how long they stayed like that, him in her arms mourning another woman's loss. As he pulls back he knows they have to talk some things through but he doesn't even know how to begin. How do you talk to the woman you love about the other woman that you love?

"So you love her?"

"Yes." Because why would he deny it?

"And you love me?"

"You know I do." She taught him what love was.

"And she's dead."

"She's dead." It was the ugliest truth in the world.

"This sucks."

"You have no idea."

Iris took his hands and pulled him towards to door.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere we can go and talk about this Barry. Somewhere no one will interrupt. I know Cisco is itching to speak with you, he saw you in the Speed Force with Caitlin. He's the reason we knew you were with her. And Dad is worried sick at the moment. I'm sorry but we need to talk first and as much as I love them, I'm going to be selfish right now and keep you to myself. Only for a little a while."

As they approached their destination, he saw that Iris was leading him to the roof of the building. Relatively private unless Cisco decided to check the security feed. She pulled him along to the edge and they both sat down on the ledge.

"Tell me why you love her." She demanded while looking out over the city scape. Central City really was beautiful, especially as the sun is going down beyond the sky scrapers. Barry wonders how long he's been gone if the sun is going down. The whole day? A few days? Iris turns her head towards him again, "Please?"

Why did he love her? Where does he even start?

"I don't know how to explain it really. I didn't even know I was in love with her until a few days ago," he shakes his head and laughs humorlessly, "I didn't even realize it until I was too late.

"But that's the thing gets me. How the hell did I _not know_?"

"Sometimes we don't see things that are right in front of us Barry. We're looking but not seeing. I didn't realize you loved me for so long and I am supposedly you best friend!"

"Yeah but that's different."

"How is that different?"

"You wouldn't understand!"

"Then MAKE me understand!"

"Because you're not _dead_! Because _she_ is! Because _we_ got our chance, _we_ get to be together. You even got to know what it was like with Eddie before you lost him. You know what it's like to be held by him and what it felt like to go home to him after long days at work. You lost him but at least you had him. It's the worst feeling in the world Iris, to know that this love I have will never get a chance to grow."

They were silent for a long time after that. Barry knew it was a blow to her, comparing him and Caitlin to her and Eddie. But he didn't know how else to explain it so she would understand. He would never try to say that his loss was "greater" by any means, just different and heartbreaking in a completely different way. When he looked towards Iris he saw that she was crying and Barry felt like worst person in the world for bring tears to her pretty eyes. Barry hastened to wipe them away.

"Honey I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Just forget it. This is my problem and yo odnt deserve this. I'll figure it out, I'll-"

"Barry! Barry hey, listen to me. I don't care about any of that. I'm not crying cause what you said hurt my feelings. I'm crying cause I don't know how to help you."

Barry let out a humorless chuckle, "No one can help me."

"Barry, this question isn't fair by any means but…do you wish it was me instead?"

Out of everything Barry had thought she would ask him that was the last thing he ever expected.

"Iris, god no! Don't ever think that. Please. I would never ever wish that or even think of it. I want Caitlin her with me, I love her so much its physically painful, but I would never in a million years want her back at the cost of you. And vice versa.

"I never thought it was possible to love two people the way I love both you and her. Its fucked up and greedy and totally unfair. But I do. I love both of you and both of you are the best part of me. Don't ever think for one second that I resent you because you aren't her. If anything you should hate me for making you think you are anything less perfect."

"I don't want to be perfect Barry. I want to be enough for you. I want to know that even through the loss of Caitlin, I am enough for you not to lose yourself."

"Iris, honey, don't you know? You are the _only reason I am here right now._ When I saw Caitlin again I was ready to give up everything to stay with her. She was so beautiful and warm, just like she'd always been. I could have stood there and stared at her for the rest of eternity and never get tired of memorizing every inch of her. But she reminded me that I have something here to _live_ for. A future and woman who loves me and who I love. A woman who deserves so much more than a man who is only able to give her half his heart. **If I'm ever going to be worth anything to you, I need to fix what's wrong with me. I need to find some peace**."

" **Barry, you waited for me for years. You let me get to a place where this- me and you- was possible. So I am telling you I am gonna do the same thing for you. Wherever you need to go, whatever you need to do, do it. And when you get back, I'll be here.**

"I love you Barry."

"I love you too."

Barry and Iris slowly moved towards each other sealing their lips in a helpless kiss. What was to come, they didn't know, but they know that together their destinies were forever intertwined. But the loves they lost long the way….well that was a story for another day.

* * *

 _23 years later_

"Nice tie" she said as she came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist while resting her head on his back, "What's the occasion?"

Placing his hands over hers to hold them in place he "No occasion. Just felt like wearing this one today."

"Mmmm it is the best one" she said reaching her hand up and stroking the red bow tie that laid there, "You're missing her today, aren't you?"

"I miss her every day."

Barry turns around and places a kiss on his wife's forehead. Iris West-Allen has only grown more beautiful with age. 20 years of marriage has given him so much joy and happiness; he still can't believe how lucky he is.

He sees sadness flicker through her eyes and once again he's aware of how much he doesn't deserve her. She deserved so much more than what he's given her but she continuously tells him that she doesn't care and that she understands. She's lost someone too. The difference is that Iris has been able to let him go and he has to keep himself from returning to _her_ every time he opens his eyes in the morning. It's hard when he knows with the right amount of effort and speed (he's calculated it enough over the years to know exactly how fast he would need to go), he could be in _her_ arms again. It is something that they have struggled with for years and it's something that will always leave a scar on their otherwise storybook romance.

"I love you, you know that?"

"I know. I love you too Barry."

With a sad shake of her head she turns to leave their room.

"Mom! Dad! DAAAAAAAAAAD! DADDY! Look what I got."

With an "oomph" and a gust of wind Barry's face was submerged in a sea of curls as his 16 year old daughter engulfed him in hug. She pulled back from him and he saw his own eyes looking back at him filled with excitement.

It never ceases to amaze Barry the immeasurable amount of love that course through him when he looks upon her face, a face that is so much like Iris. She is more than he could have ever hoped for and everything he could have ever wanted. His daughter. His Katie. Katherine Ivory Allen.

As his daughter rambled away explaining to him the new medical kit her uncle Cisco got for her as an early birthday present (no matter how many times Iris yells at him that 6 months is not an early birthday present, its spoiling her) Barry notices Iris over her shoulder. They lock eyes and smile. Everything is okay. Still, the bowtie around his neck feels tighter, always his little reminder that the wrong hands tied it.

* * *

 _42 years later…._

Barry lies surrounded by his family (and friends who may as well be family). He's done his duty to the universe. Now it's time to return the favor. He closes his eyes and smiles. He'll be with her soon.

They do make quite the pair.

* * *

 **Well there you have it! The ending. I wish I could have written it differently but for this story I feel like this was the only way to end it. I feel like Caitlin's story is always destined to be tragic and the Flash writers will probably always take things from her. So I wanted to write a a "tragedy" in regards to Caitlin in a way that satisfies me. Iris West (Allen!) is such a little nugget. And no I don't think she settled for Barry in this situation. She accepts and loves him unconditionally. Unconditionally. And Barry loves her the same way. And yes they named their daughter Katie (It was Iris's idea), after Caitlin. I have more Flash fanfics (primarily about Caitlin) in my head (that aren't all tragic lol). So more to come!**

 **I will write a Cisco and Caitlin spin-off oneshot for this story! It will take me a while as I still do not have a laptop (I'm typed this last chapter out at work over the last week, when I sooooooooooo shouldn't have been. Oh well. But stay tuned!**

 **The words in bold are directly (paraphrased) from the show. That last WestAllen scene in season 2 made me adore them! I just want all the characters to be happy so hopefully Caitlin can find her own happy ending.**

 **I want to thank all of you have stuck with this story. This is my first story ever and you guys gave the confidence to write and finish it. If you have any request on stories let me know and I'll try my best! Love you all!**

 **Be sure to leave your thoughts in the form of reviews!**


	7. Thank You!

To my lovely reviewers, thank you.

To my wonderful followers, thank you.

To all of you have clicked "favorite," thank you!

To all of you who took the time to read this, thank you!

I wouldn't presume to call myself a writer, that title is for the R.R Toilken's, the RR Martin's, and J.K. Rowling's of this world (and anyone who has a legitimate passion for it of course). But it has been so fun writing this and being motivated by all of you to keep writing this story. It took me a while to gain the courage to write an FF and now that I've started, I'm not stopping

XoXo

P.S I may or may not re-write the conclusion for this story!


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